


Diamond Road

by Mbarduk



Series: No More Goodbyes [1]
Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-06-02 13:55:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6568909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mbarduk/pseuds/Mbarduk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On the drive back from LA to Sunnydale, Faith and Willow open up to each other and discover they have more in common than they thought. But is there more to their new found friendship?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so this is set midway through BVTS S7, with spoilers for everything up to and including the episode 'Dirty Girls' (if there is anyone left in the known universe that hasn't already watched the show!) There's also some minor spoilers for Angel: the series S1-4, but they are so minor if you blink, you'll miss them. Full author disclosure: this story has appeared in other forms in other places, for one thing it was originally a oneshot, but I wanted to revisit here as I always thought there was more to this story to tell. Hope you enjoy it!

 

  _‘Walk with me the diamond road_

_Tell me every story told_

_Give me something of your soul_

_That I can hold onto’  Diamond Road, Sheryl Crow_

                                  

It was going to take them hours to get home at this rate. Actually hours was being too optimistic the redhead reflected, make that days to get back home. Her thoughts were verging on the irrational, gazing at the figure outside her windshield lighting yet another cigarette, summoning up her stern annoyed face, just in case the brunette looked her way. She didn’t. In fact, now Willow thought about it, there had been a definite lack of eye contact coming from the once rogue, but now reformed slayer since the two women left LA. And that only added to Willow’s impatience to be getting home. A few more hours of one-sided conversation and monosyllabic grunts for another cigarette break just might bring out Evil Willow again, the wicca thought, smirking to herself despite the bad taste Evil Willow thoughts left her with. Not that she wanted to become Faith’s best friend or anything. She had a strict rule about people who tried to kill her not being extended the hand of friendship. And more often than not, it was a rule she never broke. But faced with the long drive home ahead of her, not knowing exactly what they were going to face when they got there – what with the First being all bad and evil, and Spike pretty much insane now, and Buffy acting all Commander-in-Chief, and things hotting up with the potential Kennedy (who had succeeded in doing what none of the Scoobies had been able to do, make Willow smile again) and to top it all she was bringing the rogue slayer back into town, which Willow couldn’t imagine bringing the fun in much when they arrived – just added to the wicca’s frustration. A little banter might alleviate some of the wiggins she had started feeling ever since leaving behind the relative safety of LA.

But how to start such a conversation? ‘Say Faith, didya kill anyone lately?’ Wasn’t exactly the way to strike up a light and breezy conversation to pass the time, but Willow wasn’t sure asking the slayer what she had been doing lately, i.e. being locked up in prison, was the way to go either.

“I never _could_ talk to you.”

“Talk to me about what?” Faith raised an accusatory eyebrow, leaning on the open passenger side window, smirking when the redhead turned a bright shade of pink.

Willow repositioned her frowny face, not liking Faith’s smirk. Reminding her too much of the Faith she knew in high school, the one she was trying not to compare to the Faith she’d met a few days ago in LA.

“How long have you been standing there?” The wicca enquired, hoping she’d not spoken any of her other thoughts aloud.

“Long enough to start getting bored. And you didn’t answer my question,” Faith opened the door and slipped in next to Willow. The fairer woman still felt uncomfortable in the slayer’s presence, making Faith feel more her old self again. Whether that was a good or bad thing, she decided not to debate right now.

“Come on Red, what couldn’t you ever talk to me about?”

“Anything.”

Willow’s reply sounded sad. Like perhaps she regretted that she couldn’t talk to Faith back in the day, and perhaps she regretted she was finding it so difficult to talk to the woman now. It made the dark haired woman uncomfortable, flipped the tables on her so it was Red who suddenly held the edge. All because she heard a hint of regret in the Wicca’s voice, which sparked a seed in the slayer’s mind that reminded her how it had felt to be around all of the Scoobies back then. How for a time, things were really solid for her in Sunnydale. Things felt like she belonged.

She looked at Red next to her behind the wheel, looking so grown up. Looking very much the smart sexy woman Angel had said she’d turned into, and not the naïve virgin the slayer had taken such pleasure in goading when one of them was in high school, and the other just hung around it a lot. It gave her another one of those pangs she’s been having a lot lately. She didn’t want to call it guilt. Didn’t want to acknowledge that there was more guilt left in her after she’d turned herself in, reformed and started paying her debt to society. But there was something tugging at her mind, had been ever since she and Red had left for Sunnydale, and was only being made worse by the tone of the Wicca’s voice just then. Something that resembled the guilt she’d been feeling the past few years. Only this time it wasn’t exactly guilt over the killing, it was all tied up to how she’d left things with the other slayer.

Fuck, was this going to be a long drive, Faith thought as Willow put the car in gear again and drove off. Wonder if she’ll let me out for another cigarette.

****

“No more!” Willow turned the dial on the radio to the off position, without using her hands, leaving Faith amused by the outburst as well as the mojo.

“I can’t listen to another soft rock anthem. I just can’t. Too much guitar. Too much amp. Too much testosterone.” She continued.

The slayer smirked. “Hey it’s okay Red, chill a little.”

 She threw the brunette a more sanitised version of her stern stare, not appreciating the patronising tone from the slayer, but realising she may have overreacted a little.

“I seem to recall you being very much into guitars back in the day.” Faith couldn’t believe her own ears when she spoke. _She_ was trying to have a conversation with Red. Had the world suddenly started spinning the wrong way? “You were pretty heavily into testosterone too.”

Faith didn’t notice Willow’s grip on the steering wheel tighten, the knuckles going white as some unpleasant memories came to the surface.

“Well, things change Faith.” There was a hint of venom in the wicca’s voice, which Willow remembered from the days when both she and the slayer loathed to be in each other’s presence, vying for Buffy’s time. She purposefully softened her voice with the next line.

“I changed.”

“Yeah? How’s that then?” There was still a slight teasing tone to Faith’s voice. “Oh wait, hang on. There was a girl…blonde, pretty.” The slayer sounded like the penny had finally dropped. She remembered the last time she was in Sunnydale and had taken a little stroll in the blonde slayer’s shoes. There’d been Red and some girl at the Bronze, who kept looking at her funny. Man, what was that girl’s name? Faith tried to remember.

“Tara.” It was as if the wicca had read her thoughts.

Willow’s voice was flat when she whispered the name. Faith knew that behind that name, there was a world of suffering. She knew that because Red had sounded like the way she sounds when she utters Buffy’s name sometimes.

“Her name was Tara. She died.”   
  
Willow didn’t notice as the car began slowing down, her grip lessening on the wheel.

“Oh.” Was Faith’s lame response at first. To be followed hastily by “shit, I’m sorry.”

The witch had heard it so many times, it never sounded sincere. But coming from Faith, a girl acquainted intimately with death, Willow felt oddly comforted for once by the words ‘I’m sorry’.

“Yeh so am I.”

There was silence between them again. A different kind to the tension filled silence of before, a more intimate kind.

A silence Faith couldn’t stand to be in.

“Willow?” It was the first time either woman could remember the slayer using her real name. And it didn’t sound as odd as either of them imagined it would. “Willow we’ve stopped moving.”

The redhead glanced at her driving companion, a puzzled expression to her face. Then she swept her eyes over the speedometer, out her windshield and finally to her foot resting by the gas pedal, not on it.

“Yep, that’ll happen when you take your foot off the accelerator.”

She tried to sound like funny-bouncy Willow, but her smile was taking a while to join the act. Thinking of Tara still did that to her, and part of her knew it always would.

“Wanna coffee?” Faith asked. She could sure use a cigarette, she guessed the Wicca must have addictions of her own she craved.

“Coffee would be good.” Willow replied, not quite believing herself as she did it. Coffee with Faith, was the Earth spinning backwards or something?

“Cool. I saw a place back there.” Faith pointed behind them, and Willow got the car moving again. Pulling into the car park a few minutes later of a roadside diner that had definitely seen better days.

Taking the time for a much needed stretch of tired muscles as she got out of the car, Willow looked over the dilapidated diner and back to the brunette lighting a cigarette.

"I'm not likely to get a low fat extra foamy mocha in there, am I?" The Wicca even pouted a little. 

"Red I doubt they can even spell mocha let alone make one. Come on." Faith led the way, glancing back smiling at the reluctant redhead, who had lost some of the darkness that had invaded her eyes the slayer was happy to note.

Willow rolled her eyes at herself when she realised she was willingly following behind the dark haired woman, giving far more credence than she knew she should to the notion she'd slipped into an alternate universe again. One where Faith and herself did things like go for coffee together. 

Not for the first time in her life Willow had the thought that she had no idea what was going to happen next and as she passed through the glass door Faith was gallantly holding open for her, that sexy eyebrow smirk she wished didn't look so good on the dark woman in full force, Willow realised that for once she didn't totally mind the unknown. 


	2. Chapter 2

The waitress who, like the establishment she worked in had seen better days, swung by the table at the back of the diner where two young women sat whom she didn’t particularly like the look of. She was doing the rounds with a refill of some extremely bitter tasting coffee. Even if the slightly overweight woman with the fake blonde hair sprouting out at bizarre angles from beneath her waitressing cap didn’t trust them, especially the one in the dark leather and a Marlboro never far from her lips, they were paying customers after all. She could hardly refuse to serve them just because she didn’t like the way they looked.

 Seeing the waitress approach Faith eagerly nodded for another cup, choosing to ignore the contempt she could clearly see in the middle aged woman’s grey eyes as she poured. Her need for caffeine overriding any indignation she should feel at the pointed look, because man she’d not had a decent cup of joe for years. Not that what passed as coffee in this crummy diner could exactly be called decent, but anything tasted better than the shit they offered up in prison and the crap Fred brewed at Angel’s. Willow on the other hand, was jonesing more for her frothy milk infused mochas that had less of a kick to them when you swallowed, and swiftly covered her half-empty cup when the waitress tried to pour.

“I’m good, thanks.” Offered the Wicca.

The waitress eyed her suspiciously, she assumed all students lived on coffee and nicotine. Maybe she’d pegged these two girls wrong, her distrust of them growing by the second.

“Come on Red, it’ll put hairs on yer chest.” The brunette smirked at the redhead opposite her, liking it when her eyebrows went frowny. She remembered that from the old Willow, even if everything else about the woman opposite her was unfamiliar.

“No, really, I’m good. And could do without the scary visuals, thanks Faith.” The two looked at each other with mock defiance in their eyes before a smirk broke out on Willow’s face, followed by a short bark of laughter from Faith.

The waitress looked down at the two of them, deciding that they were students all right, high on something other than caffeine most likely. She strolled over to the counter telling the short order chef to keep an eye on those two when she couldn’t, and went back to refilling the cups of overweight truckers who at least appreciated her coffee.

“I think you offended her.” Faith looked back from where she’d been following the waitress’ movements to the woman in front of her. Willow was still smiling but her green eyes had lost the brightness of before. The slayer figured that brief teasing interlude was all there was going to be and sighed heavily.

Damn it I’m no good at this, Faith thought to herself.

They’d stumbled and started a dozen conversations since arriving at the diner, none of them the right one. None of them which would lead the Wicca to explain the sadness in her eyes, or for the slayer to explain the strange nervous feeling she’d been having ever since Willow showed up in LA. Faith suspected the sudden reappearance of a member of the Scooby gang in her life could only spell trouble, especially for her, but getting to a point in the conversation to ask the redhead about that just didn’t seem to be something the dark slayer was capable of.

Faith knew that Willow’s girlfriend had died, and Willow knew Faith had stayed locked up because she wanted to pay for her crimes. And that was as far as either women had managed to get before awkward tension reappeared and their conversations reverted back to the type they had when Willow was still in high school. Non-existent, in other words.

I knew this was a bad idea, the Wicca thought to herself. Watching the brunette take out like her millionth cigarette of the day, lighting it with a dull, battle-scarred Zippo.

“You know, you smoke too much.” Willow played with the sugar bowl as she spoke, a nervous thing she remembered from her childhood dinner table. With parents that believed in only speaking when spoken to.

“Really?” Faith took a deep drag on her Marlboro, her sarcasm unmistakable.

“And it’s really bad for you.”

Faith raised her eyebrows at the Wicca and blew some smoke purposefully in front of her.

“Yeh well, we all gotta die sometime.”

It was a tired old line. The slayer couldn’t believe she’d even uttered it. She watched Willow grimace slightly at the death notion. Painful reminder of the deaths she’d been witness to, thought the slayer. Faith was going to offer some sort of apology or something for her callous words, because hell she wasn’t so unfeeling to not recognise pain when she saw it, but never got the chance.

“Why do you do that?” Willow’s voice was sad again.

“Do what?” And Faith went immediately on the defensive when she heard it.

“Do that tough-guy act all the time. You’re always with the comebacks. And the jokes. And the five-by-fives. ‘We gotta all die sometime huh huh huh’. Pretending you don’t really care about anything.”

“Who said I was pretending?” Faith shot back at the redhead, not liking insightful Willow so much.

“Oh right, Faith. I forgot. You’re mean, you’re a badass. You don’t give a flying fuck about anyone else. That’s why you’ve spent the last 18 months in lock up. Right?”

The Wicca didn’t know where all that had come from. She sat back a little away from the table, not daring to look up at the slayer’s eyes knowing there’d be daggers coming from them. Faith was staring at her all right, but more in surprise than anything else. She couldn’t remember ever hearing the F bomb fall from pale pink lips back in the day. Things really had changed in the intervening years it seemed.

The Wicca had her pegged pretty well, which irked the slayer somewhat, considering the time they’d spent together in LA plus the drive now was probably the most they’d ever spent in each other’s company. Had Faith become so easy to read? She was surprised that Willow said all that to her face and not flinch once when she said it. There was a time when the timid Wicca would jump if Faith even looked at her the wrong way, but now there was an air of defiance coming off of the woman the slayer was intrigued to find out about. Where was the innocent young girl from high school who had never uttered the word fuck, let alone had one?

Clearly not so innocent anymore, thought the slayer.

“Well Jesus Red, don’t feel like you gotta hold anything back.” Faith stubbed her cigarette out, acting more pissed off than she really felt. “Is there anything else you wanna add as you Psych 101 me?”

Willow looked up, determining whether the slayer was pissed at her or just pretending to be. She saw in her eyes that she was just pretending to be. Willow also thought she saw a glimmer in the brown orbs, that was asking her to give the slayer a chance to explain things.

“Yes, actually I do.” The wicca met the slayer’s stare with a determined one of her own, sitting up straight at the table once again, realising she’d never been in danger of incurring the slayer’s wrath after all.

“If you really are still the bitch I knew in high school, why save Angel? Why come back to Sunnydale with me?” Willow paused, then added to soften the harshness a little.

“And if you respond with a smart comeback about missing the Twofer night at The Bronze, I might have to sew your mouth shut.”

The slayer smirked, letting the bitch remark drop at the appearance of spazzy Willow.

“Now who’s with the scary visuals?” She reached in to her pocket for her cigarettes, ignoring the look Willow gave her when she brought one up to her lips and lit it.

“Okay Red, here’s the deal.”

Uh-oh, Willow thought.

“There’s a deal?”

“Ahuh, there’s always a deal to be had Red, and this is going to be ours.” Faith paused, more for dramatic effect than for the coffee she took a sip of. “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.” 

“Show you my what?” Willow asked, conjuring up all sorts of images she shouldn’t be conjuring right now.

“Chill Red, I’m not suggesting nakedness or anything.”

Despite herself Willow blushed, the visual place her mind went to not as scary as the other visuals caused by Faith in the past. She looked across to see an amused slayer raising her dark eyebrows suggestively, smirking that way of hers again that always wrong footed the redhead.

“Unless you want to get naked.” Faith added, arching her eyebrows in a suggestive manner, her look on the lascivious side of inappropriate.

“I certainly do not.” Willow fidgeted a little in her chair, trying to think of a spell that would make her stop blushing, or stop her imagining her and Faith naked, whichever would work quickest.

“Shucks Red, that hurts.”

The Wicca gave Faith an exasperated look, and the slayer knew it was time to stop playing so many games.

“Okay okay. Enough with the frowny face already.” Faith continued. “All I meant was, you’re curious about what changed me and I’m curious to know how you went from being a geeky computer spaz in high school…”

“Hey!” Willow interrupted.

“Let me finish,” Faith responded. “Like I was saying, I want to know how you go from high school spaz to wicked witch of the west coast.”

Faith stared back at Willow when she was confronted with one of those stern, shocked looks she’d seen on the redhead’s face a lot in the past.

“Hey, I heard a rumour at Angel’s.” Faith offered as explanation, shrugging her shoulders a little as if to say, no big deal.

“Oh,” was all Willow could think of to say.

Reading more from the expression in the brown eyes before her than Willow’s sudden silence, Faith started to realise she’d hit on something big.

“So, not so much rumour as fact. Gotta say Red, didn’t see that coming.” Faith took the time to stub her cigarette out, eyeing the redhead carefully, as if she was really seeing her for the first time.

“I’m impressed,” she continued.

Willow scowled at her, forcing herself to calm her breathing down a notch. Faith was just being Faith after all.

“So what happened?” Faith settled back in her seat, finishing off the last dregs of cold coffee.

“I killed a guy.”


	3. Chapter 3

If Faith had perhaps thought that Willow’s confession was going to involve a spell going awry, as she remembered they had done back in the day, and a jovial tale of personality swapping with say a demon from the underworld or you know, Cordelia, it would at least explain her very un-slayer like reaction to the redhead’s whispered confession.

Choking on the coffee she’d only just taken a sip of, Faith began coughing and sputtering out strangled words which sounded like “fuck me” but Willow wasn’t properly listening, worried that the slayer was about to choke to death in front of her.

“Are you okay?” She asked the dark haired woman, green eyes crinkled with concern. 

Faith threw the Wicca a stern look of her own, closely followed by an incredulous raised eyebrow once her breathing returned to normal and her coughing fit had subsided. She couldn’t quite believe how this conversation was playing out. Willow a murderer? How the hell did that happen? This had to be some sort of elaborate joke to teach the rogue slayer a lesson. What fucking lesson that could be, the slayer had no idea, but still, Red killing a guy? Not gonna happen.

Faith lent back in her chair, running a callused hand through silky dark locks, brushing hair out of her face that had fallen during her coughing jag. Her dark eyes kept drifting to the concerned green opposite her, trying to determine the Wicca’s end game. But the closer she looked, the more she recognised the expression in the emerald depths before her. It was the same haunted, dark look that greeted her in the mirror every morning when she lingered too long thinking about her past, and the people she’d hurt, and the one she had killed.

Goddamnit Willow was telling the truth.

The silence that blanketed the table once Faith had processed all that she was seeing and hearing felt thick with the amount of unanswered questions she now had for the redhead. Though really there was only one question to ask. And as with most things she’s done in her life, Faith just ploughed right ahead and asked it without much thought as to whether Willow wanted to answer her.

“Why’d you do it?”

The slayer had a lingering hope that the Wicca would tell her it had been an accident, or a spell that had backfired, or she mistook a human for a vampire, because hell, that can happen. But that hope vanished as quickly as a vampire turns to dust when Willow’s hollow voice broke the heavy silence between them. Her once vibrant verdant eyes growing distant, darker somehow. Faith swallowed around the lump that had suddenly formed in her throat, taking in a deep steadying breath as Willow upped the ante on their game of show and tell.

“You want to know why I killed him? Because he deserved it. The snivelling little bastard deserved getting his ass flayed. That’s why. Pretty simple really. It had been like the best day ever, till he came along. We were happy again. We were in love again. She came back to me and everything was how it should be. We spent the night and the next day in bed together, just like in the beginning. Like when it’s all new and you don’t want it to stop. The feeling and the touching. Especially the touching.”

Willow let out a shallow breath, a small whimper mixed in with it. Her eyes felt heavy with tears again, like they always do when she remembers that day. But as much as it hurt to remember, it hurt more to try and forget. 

“We were so happy, damn it. We’d just gotten dressed, it was late afternoon. And it was sunny, really warm. I remember that the most, the warmth. Remember being all warm and feeling fuzzy inside because she was back. Then it was all dark and cold. As she fell, the world went cold on me. Like a switch flipped to off inside me and the cold seeped in. There was a noise. Really loud. And blood, lots of blood, and she fell and there was nothing I could do. Nothing they’d let me do to bring her back. He came and he took my Tara away.”

The tears fell fast down Willow’s cheeks, she didn’t even notice them. Faith watched the Wicca in silence, that unfamiliar lump in her throat back again, only harder to ignore and swallow around this time. The pain coming off the woman in front of her was a tangible thing. The slayer was sure she could feel it grab onto some part of her that lay hidden. The part where her compassion and her empathy lay dormant inside, because no-one ever tried to bring them out of her and before now she even doubted they existed herself. That she could feel this much for someone else’s sorrow was alien to her. That it was Willow she felt it for was somehow less so.

Faith swallowed hard, trying to dislodge the ball of steel that suddenly wedged itself in her throat. Just as she was trying to force back tears she felt sting her own eyes like tiny sharp needles she saw the waitress making another swoop with her coffee, and the slayer warned her away with a dangerous look in her dark eyes. The waitress narrowed her eyes at the pair but ignored their table all the same, her mistrust of the young women ratcheting up a notch.

The brunette couldn’t quite believe what she was doing when she reached for Willow’s hands that were clasped tightly together on the table top. Yet she watched herself begin to pry them apart and cover them with her own much larger, callused hands. The gesture felt so strange coming from the slayer but both women recognised the importance of it. The line Faith was trying to cross in order to reach the dark place Willow had gone to in her memory. Reach it and bring her back. She knew a lot about darkness, had been living in its shadow for most of her life. She still couldn’t quite believe innocent geeky Red had found her way to the darkness too, but by the way the redhead was crying, Faith didn’t doubt that she had. And she suspected that like her, the darkness in Willow was always just below the surface, waiting to come out.

“Willow, it’s over now. It’s over, okay?” Faith didn’t know what else to say. There were a lot of questions she had, ones she was sure she’d never be able to ask, but for now she needed Willow in the here and now with her. Not least because she was starting to lose her slayer edge over the stuff buried within her, and didn’t want this to turn into Dawson’s hour. 

"Willow, come on. It’s okay, ‘kay?”

Something broke through to the redhead’s thoughts. Maybe it was Faith’s deep rough voice urging her back. Maybe it was the feel of warm hands clasped over her icy cold ones, gently rubbing the knuckles. Maybe it was the fat waitress shouting an order to the chef. Didn’t matter how exactly, but Willow started to regain her composure a little.

“Sorry,” she mumbled to Faith, extricating herself from the hands holding her own, missing their touch immediately but refusing to pause on why. She reached for a paper napkin from the dispenser on the table, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

“You don’t have to apologise.” Faith also missed the hands before her, but quickly banished the reason why from her mind and like she always did, lit up a cigarette to deflect the tension.

“Yeh well, I don’t usually lose it like that. Not in public anyway. Oh, except maybe for that one time Principal Snyder made me take part in the school play. On that occasion there might even have been snot bubbles.”

The redhead smiled weakly at the woman opposite her, hoping she could see she was trying her best to get back to normal-happy Willow. Faith only smirked in return, being an old hand at using humour to mask what was really going on inside.

Willow raked her hands through her hair, sighing with the movement suddenly feeling very tired. She wasn’t sure how she got into the state she was in with Faith of all people the one to offer her comfort, but she was kind of glad she had gone there. It was difficult to grieve back at Command Central, with all the activity going on there lately. Not to mention her growing feelings for Kennedy and the unmistakable feelings coming from the younger woman in return, making it a little confusing to think about Tara and all that had happened. In her unknowing, sledgehammer way, Faith had allowed Willow to gain some much needed relief from her trapped grief, and perhaps help her with some closure she’d been desperately missing for so long.

And you’ve heard the beginning so you might as well hear the rest thought the redhead, ready at last to complete her story.

“Faith?”

The brunette looked up from the menu she’d not really been reading, to find a set of green eyes on her that were a little brighter than before.

“Yeh?”

“There’s more you should know."


	4. Chapter 4

“And they called me the crazy one.”

  
The dark haired woman smirked as she said it, indicating that she was only playing with the redhead, who’s voice had grown weaker with every sentence uttered about how she had almost single-handedly destroyed world. When she’d reached the end of her confession, the only thing Faith could think of as a response was to tease her about it because, fuck, really? Surprise doesn’t cover how she’s feeling about this woman who looks like the girl she nicknamed Red so long ago. Shock would be a better word, and really with everything that she’s experienced in her life, including the pre-slayer years, Faith didn’t think something or someone could ever shock her so much again. 

She was clearly wrong on that score.  

“Yeh, well, you were kinda crazy back then,” Willow replied. 

Faith frowned at the sheepish look that accompanied Willow’s words, and eventually shrugged her shoulders. Because yeh, she had been a bit crazy back in the day, no point denying it.

As she watched Faith toy with her Marlboro packet on the table top, flipping it onto its side and then back over again, Willow released a deep breath she felt she had been holding inside her for months. Feeling instantly lighter the moment she did.

It hadn’t been as difficult to explain as she thought it would be. Faith, it turned out, was a good listener. And wasn’t that a pretty big surprise to find out now after all these years, because back in high school all Willow could recall was how many times Faith didn’t listen, to any of them. But the woman who sat still and silent opposite her now in a greasy backwater diner Willow didn’t even know the name of, was doing the one thing she had never done in the past, and surprisingly it was the one thing the Wicca so desperately needed. Faith listened. She didn’t interrupt every five seconds to ask a question or make a stupid remark like some of the potentials did back at the house the last time she had told her story. When Buffy thought it was only right they should all know how dangerous magic can be and the risks that come with it. How powerful and evil Willow could become if she let it take hold of her again.

She’d been annoyed at the blonde slayer for making her take the floor in the first place, because it wasn’t like she had any intention of going back to being Evil Willow and weren’t these poor young women scared enough already with the dangers on the outside, to then be told that there was a pretty big danger living inside the same four walls as them was perhaps overkill. But Buffy asked her to do it, in that way she has when a request comes out as an order, so Willow obeyed, like she always does and grew annoyed at her best friend for the first time in a long time. Then she became even more annoyed at the interruptions coming from the would be slayers, all in awe of Willow when she spoke about how much magic is needed to do the things she did, but they were mostly wigged out from imagining a dark haired kick-ass version of the kindly redhead they’d all been looking up to, the questions about how it all happened were relentless. At least Kennedy hadn’t interrupted or asked awkward questions, like how it felt to have that much power.

It felt amazing, Willow wanted to say when one of them eventually found the courage to ask her just that. It was the truth after all. She’d discovered over time that most things that are really really bad for you actually make you feel really really good at first. Extra sugary extra caffeiney mochas are her favourite but always give her huge mind numbing headaches after she’s drank them. The sticky stuff she likes to lick off the glazed donuts Xander always buys would one day rot her teeth, but that doesn’t stop her from being the first one to dive into the box. And the magic that courses through her veins every day, that has to be controlled every minute because of where it might lead her to, makes her feel so alive, so powerful and _real_ in the moments she uses it, that nothing else on Earth can even touch it.

She couldn’t tell that to the rest of them though. They’d definitely start to freak out, or freak out more would be the accurate term she supposed. None of the girls have really stopped wigging out since arriving in Sunnydale and meeting all the Big Bad that had also come to town. So Willow kept that part of her story to herself. Not even telling Buffy afterwards when all the girls had gone to bed, and the blonde reached out to Willow slumped exhausted on the coach and asked her if she were alright. She knows her best friend can’t handle hearing the truth sometimes, finding out that that the magic inside Willow makes her feel alive when sometimes nothing else can wasn’t something Buffy was ever going to deal well with hearing. So she simply shrugged her shoulders in response and let the Slayer continue to think that the Wicca had it covered.

She had considered telling Kennedy, because they’d already gone through a few scary magic moments together and she was genuinely fond of the younger woman, but something held her back. She still wasn’t sure why ( _she’s not Tara!)_ Willow couldn’t even admit it to Xander, the boy she’d been telling her secrets to ever since kindergarten when he stole her Malibu Barbie doll, sealing their lives and their fates together for eternity.

But no, none of them had felt right to Willow. None of them felt like they deserved to hear her truth. And there was a small incredulous smile on the redhead’s face when she realised who she had deemed worthy enough to be deserving of it.

The one person she could tell the darkest parts of her story to, who she could reveal the darkest parts of herself to, had ironically turned out to be the girl she had hated during high school. The girl she would have found any excuse to not speak with back then. The girl who had turned into the woman before her, too many lines on her young face betraying the hard life she’s lived. The pain hidden deep in brown eyes which reminded Willow of what she sees reflecting back at her, each time she looks in the mirror.

There was silence between them again. Faith couldn’t meet Willow’s gaze, now that the Wicca had finally stopped talking. The dark haired woman had a million thoughts rushing through her head, none of which made sense enough for her to grab on to one and slow it down.

She wanted to know what kind of world allows a nice kid like Red to get so fucked up she tries to destroy it? Was it even a world worth saving? And where were the rest of the Scoobies when this was happening? Faith couldn’t believe that they all sat back, and impassively watched their precious Willow go to hell and back.

Though they didn’t mind kicking back and see that happen to me, the brunette thought, not liking the sudden clarity her racing mind found. Remembering a time when she knew the kind of darkness and power Willow talked about. Knew it, embraced it, and was its bitch for a while. She also remembered how her darkness and power made the others feel around her. How it had turned some of them on, and left others quaking in their flat-footed shoes. She remembered a not so gentle caress in the dead of night. A fleeting brush of soft lips against her own then a more insistent tongue. Leather getting hot, getting moist, a hand reaching inside and just taking what it wanted. Only to be followed with denial when the sun came out, making the streets safer again, and it was time to face up to what they’d done. Time to do the right thing, but Faith hadn’t, had she? And where were the Scoobies through all this? Where was B when she needed her? Just like Red must have needed her and the blonde wasn’t around. How the hell she could call herself a hero when she’d failed to save her best friend and her one time…

“Faith, you’re crying.”

Willow’s voice was tinged with surprise. Seeing the brunette across from her retreat into herself hadn’t fazed the Wicca, after all that was typical Faith behaviour from the old days. Seeing the slayer suddenly go teary eyes on her was definitely _not_ typical Faith behaviour, Willow thought.

“What?!” Faith barked at her. “No I’m not!” She quickly wiped at her eyes, denying to herself that she felt her fingertips wet when she pulled them away.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Willow thought quickly how to salvage the situation. She could see the slayer was about to bolt or slam her, one of the two, and neither option was acceptable to the redhead.

Pale hands slid tentatively across the cold metal table top, freeing the packet of Marlboro’s the slayer was still fidgeting with and setting it aside. Taking the now empty hands firmly in her own, Willow ignored when Faith protested a little too loudly not to go unnoticed in the crowded diner, and held on even firmer when the brunette made a feeble attempt to pull physically away from the intuitive Wicca.

“I said it was okay. I mean, maybe not what made it happen in the first place is okay, ‘cause generally, random displays of emotion coming from a slayer not always of the good. But the fact that it happened in the first place, and there was slight leakage in the eye region, _that’s_ okay. Okay?”

Willow sounded like the spaz she knew in high school, Faith thought. Getting used to the soothing presence of the redhead’s hands holding her own. Liking the small signs of old Willow because they only served to compliment the new.

She drew in a few steadying breaths, the green eyes opposite her intense in their concerned gaze. Faith couldn’t quite believe such a look was aimed at her. Never realised that Willow could care so much for her or that they’d ever be in a position where she wanted the redhead to care that much for her. Unable or unwilling to figure out what that actually meant for the two of them, Faith replied with an “okay” of her own, nodding her head once to reinforce to Willow that she was alright now. Even if she actually felt a million miles away from the feeling.

She looked down at Willow’s pale hands holding her own, and wondered not for the first time that day what the fuck was happening to her. Getting emotional and craving warm contact from another human being was just not something she did.

And it seemed Willow was having a similar thought.

“Have to say Faith,” the redhead smiled softly at the woman opposite her. “Didn’t see that coming.”

The brunette’s returning smile was more of a smirk, but it held no malice behind it.

“Neither did I,” the slayer replied.  “Guess we’re even now.”

“And you came to that radical conclusion how?”

“Both of us have been badass chicks in the past,” Faith began. “And both of us have gone girly in here and done the crying thing. That makes us even in my book. Oh and Red, if you tell anyone I went misty eyed…”

Willow interrupted her. “I know I know, you’ll slayer pound me. Like that scares me anymore.”

Faith raised a surprised eyebrow at her and received a non-committal shrug from the redhead in return.

“And you’re wrong, you know?” Willow offered.

“Wrong about what?”

“We’re not even yet.” Willow paused, her face going serious again. “Because you haven’t kept your half of the deal.”

_Oh that_ , the slayer thought.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a while to get to you guys, it was being very un-operative at first. But hey, look how long it is! I'm hoping this was the hump part, and the ending is going to be plain sailing...famous last words I know...but fingers crossed for another update soon, because after soon my life gets WAY hectic and I really don't want to leave you hangin. Anyway, thanks for all the kudos and comments, means a lot! hope you enjoy this chapter!

With Willow’s words echoing in her head, Faith finally removed her hands from the pale ones that had been holding them so tenderly up till now. A little distance was needed to settle her suddenly racing pulse. The redhead frowned at the loss of contact between them. Seeing Faith pull away from her like that didn’t sit well with the Wicca, made her feel anxious for when she might next get to touch the slayer again. Willow wondered why the hell that would be her immediate response to the loss of contact between them, before stamping down on that particular line of thought with her stylish yet practical pair of internal boots. Willow had a feeling she wasn’t ready for where that thought process might take her. 

Instead she softened her gaze as much as she could, forcing the frown lines away with a hesitant smile, secretly urging the slayer to look at her properly again and tell her. Tell her everything.

The dark woman shifted under Willow’s gaze, even if she couldn’t meet it head on in that moment. Wondering what kind of diversion she could come up with to get the Wicca off this particular path she was determined to walk down, soon realising the futility of that thought process with a deep resigned sigh of her own. A deal is a deal after all Faith thought, mentally berating herself for making such a bargain with the redhead in the first place. And the slayer was never one to go back on a deal, you just didn’t do _that_ where Faith came from and expect to see another dawn, so yeh, a deal is a deal.  But damn it if it didn’t feel daunting now that she had to fulfil her side of things.

She wasn’t sure Willow was ready for her confession, but that wasn’t it really. Faith realised that she wasn’t ready for it herself. She needed more time. She needed time to just fucking breathe. She needed to not be in this shitty diner opposite a beautiful woman whom she could feel herself want to open up to, as if that was a thing Faith actually _did_. She needed to not be thinking all these weird thoughts about the past and all the shit that happened in Sunnydale when she lived there. She needed to not be wondering about the Scoobies and how they let Willow get so lost they almost couldn’t save her and why that made Faith so fucking angry with them, because god she’s sure she would have tried to save her if she’d been there, and what the hell? What did that even mean anyway?

Faith blew out a breath of frustration at her own jumbled thoughts, knowing that actually what she really needed was another cigarette. She reached for the discarded pack of Marlboros in front of her, rolling one around in her fingers before finally placing it to her lips, taking long deep drags when she lit it up. The ritual was comforting to her but probably annoyed the hell out of Willow, Faith thought. Ready to smirk in her superior way at the Wicca as she finally looked back up to green eyes. Only the smirk never appeared when she saw such open compassion gazing back at her. As if the redhead knew exactly what Faith was struggling with and why she was playing for time by smoking another pointless cigarette, and for once not minding the habit in the least.

Fuck it, let’s do this the dark slayer told herself.

But of course, it had to be on her own terms. And that meant getting back to being her typical, ‘don’t give a shit’ self, and not the Faith that actually admitted to having feelings and who up till now had done a bang up job of expressing them. 

“You want me to show you mine, huh Red?”

It was an effortlessly teasing smile that fell across the slayer’s face when Willow’s pale cheeks flashed red, and her compassionate gaze was replaced by something a little on the panicked side. Good, that was what Faith was aiming for, the Wicca couldn’t hold every card after all, that just wouldn’t be fair. (Faith ignored the thought that flashed through her mind that questioned why Willow flushed such a becoming shade of red at her words, because, yeh, hadn’t she already decided not to go down that road tonight?)

Her victory at wrong footing the Wicca was short lived though. Willow reined in whatever thoughts had caused her to blush in the first place (thoughts that were so inappropriate in a greasy diner with a woman who wasn’t the dark haired ‘slayer’ she was supposed to be into currently, and fuck who was Willow trying to kid here?) and levelled her stern green eyes at the dark woman before her once again. 

“No Faith. I want you tell me why the change of heart? Why the hero trip back to Sunnydale with me?”

“You complaining I’m here Red?”

“No, of course not. I’m just curious to know what makes a rogue slayer with appalling dress sense like you…”

“Hey!” Faith protested.

“My turn to finish I think. What makes badass Faith go Clark Kent all of a sudden?”

Willow raised her eyebrows in challenge, daring the slayer with a look to come back with another smart remark (and secretly hoping she might come back with a teasing one).

But Faith was past that now. She didn’t have the energy to fight it any longer. Something in the Wicca’s demeanour had scratched the surface of Faith’s well protected, well-guarded emotions and tugged at what was inside. Maybe it had happened during the redhead’s story, maybe before that when they were driving, when she used Willow’s real name for the first time. Heck maybe it was back in LA when they worked together for the first time kind of _ever_ in order to save Angel. Whenever the fuck it happened didn’t really matter now anyway, Faith had let herself open up a little in the Wicca’s presence, and it was only fair for her to know why.

“Okay Red, you wanna know what changed me?”

The redhead nodded and Faith took in a deep breath. Steeling herself for what she would say next.

“Well like you, it all started with a cute blonde chick.”

Faith smiled a little to take away any remembered pain her words might bring, and all Willow can do is return it because sure, the dark slayer was going to do this her way. She simply shook her head, a little exasperated by the brunette but unwilling to interrupt all the same. Willow sat back in her bench, and waited.

“Buffy Summers – she’s something ain’t she? Kinda hits you when you first meet her. I mean you know that, right? You know that there’s something special about the girl the minute you start up a conversation. And I don’t mean the whole Chosen One shit, ‘cause no one ever pegged me for anything other than a bitch with a mean right hook. I’m talking about that thing B has that no one else comes close to. That thing that floors you the second you realise what it is. When you know your life has changed, and it ain’t never gonna change back.”

Faith paused, finding it harder than she thought she would. She looked at the redhead opposite her, a vague understanding showing in her eyes. And why shouldn’t there be? Hell, B had altered Willow’s life pretty much irrevocably too. Bet when she met the ex-cheerleading slayer in high school she didn’t expect to try and kill her one day, Faith thought absently. She looked again to Willow, who wasn’t offering her anything other than her thoughtful green eyes.

“You’re not going to help me out here, are you?” the slayer asked, knowing what the answer would be.

“Nuh-uh.” Willow replied. “This is the Faith Story Hour, remember. Besides, you’re going to be glad you told me once it’s over.”

Faith wanted to tell her to go fuck herself, because that would mean there is still some remnants of the old Faith hanging around. Red could go shove her little Miss-know-it-all smile, the slayer thought. Only it was more of a compassionate smile than that, had something of the ‘I know what you’re going through’ about it. When Faith made to scowl at the Wicca, the dark haired woman just couldn’t pull it off, and amazingly she could feel those sharp fine needles sting her eyes again.

“I wasn’t expecting it.” Faith finally continued. “Being chosen, coming to Sunnydale, meeting all you guys. And I really wasn’t expecting to meet B. At least not expecting what I’d feel when I met B.”

Her voice trailed off, her gaze unfocused, seeing something long passed and remembering it all as if it had only just happened. Faith shook her head at the memory forcefully bringing herself back to the present, offering Willow an apologetic smile for growing so distant in the first place.

“I still don’t know how it all happened, you know? How it went from the two of us slaying together, to her trying to slay me. Almost succeeding slaying me,” Faith absently ran her hand over her stomach, where her tight black vest hid the three-inch scar B had left her with.

“I know you all thought I’d gone psycho, hell maybe you all thought I was psycho before the Mayor ever came along, but I swear it didn’t start out that way. And I tried to do everything I could to reverse things and be the slayer you all wanted to see. Be more like her, but…but she wouldn’t let me. She just couldn’t accept that…us…what we’d done...she just wouldn’t. I knew I should stop. I knew there were huge amounts of pain going around and I was causing most of them, but I just couldn’t stop…because she...she wouldn’t…she…”

It happened slowly. Against the slayer’s will tears started falling from her eyes because her commands of not letting that happen weren’t being listened to. She blinked furiously trying to make them stop. Her heart was pounding as if she’d gone into battle with a thousand demons. The emotions she’d kept bottled up for years started to spring forth and Faith wasn’t sure how to deal with them.

“Just say it, Faith.”

Willow’s soothing voice jerked the brunette back to the here and now, just as she’d been able to do for the redhead when her emotions had gotten the best of her. The Wicca nodded encouragement, almost whispering a second time.

“Just say it.”

Faith looked into Willow’s compassionate green eyes, finding understanding there. Of course Willow would be the one to already know, or at least suspect what she was about to say.  Faith found herself relieved at the knowledge, another deep breath, another catch of tears before they turned into sobs and she found the strength to finish what she started.

“She wouldn’t love me. I wanted her to, and god knows she knew I loved her, but she wouldn’t love me.”

Faith finally let the tears fall gently down her flushed cheeks. Her hands were shaking slightly and her breath was still doing the catching thing in her throat, but she knew the worst of it was over. She felt surprisingly okay and marvelled a little at that feeling, because deep down she feared that something terrible would happen to her if she ever confessed her love for Buffy Summers to another living person.

Because something terrible had happened the first time she’d confessed it.

Willow didn’t know what to say or even if this was a time where words were needed. What she wanted to do was reach out again and take Faith’s shaking hands in her own and sooth the tears that were still falling in slow tracks across her cheeks. But the slayer had just put herself totally on the line and the Wicca didn’t know how’d she feel about physical contact after such a thing or what reaction she’d have if she offered some empty sounding words of comfort, or tell her that it didn’t exactly come as a huge surprise to hear Faith had been jonesing for Buffy back in the day.

Lots of things had begun to fall into place for Willow as Faith began her confession. About the love/hate relationship between the two slayers. Faith’s crossover to the dark side as Xander always called it. The way Buffy would practically have a coronary each time the dark slayer’s name was mentioned back then. Her cold ruthless feelings towards Faith at the end when Angel needed saving.

She always suspected something had happened between the two slayers back then, something beyond the awfulness of _that_ night. Because no way does one slayer go off the deep end and join forces with a megalomaniac town official with decidedly dodgy associations with the demon world just because they make a _mistake_. Even as terrible as that mistake was, it couldn’t have been all that had driven Faith away. So what did?

The dark slayer read the question in Willow’s green orbs and although she didn’t exactly want to carry on down this painful path that included all kinds of weird shit like tears and emotions, Faith knew Willow was right when she said she’d feel better once it was over. And she wanted it over now.

“It happened that same night. That night I killed Finch. I knew I was spiralling down, out of control. Just like when I was a kid back in Boston, finding trouble even when I didn’t go looking for it. This time though, there was someone finding trouble with me, and it just made my feelings stronger for her. But we both know that B is really a good little girl at heart. That badass attitude she displayed for a while never really suited her, right?”

Faith paused, absently wiping her palm across her face, rubbing the tears away as she ruefully smiled to herself at the remembrance of a time when Buffy tried to be bad.

Willow looked at Faith wondering what she would make of the new and improved Buffy they brought back from the grave a year ago. The one that had taken command of a bunch of scared, pretty much useless teenagers, and turned them into an army. That was pretty badass if you asked her. But Willow realised that soon enough Faith could make of Buffy what she wants for herself, because soon they would see each other again. Her and Faith were on their way to Sunnydale after all and there was no way she was going to be able to keep the two slayers apart once they got there, because hello, that was the whole point of this road trip. And why did Willow suddenly want to keep the slayers apart anyway? This was starting to get complicated.

“She came over to the motel, afterwards.” Faith began, breaking Willow out of her freefalling thoughts, thank goodness. “Freaking out. Just as a slayer should be over a human casualty. Just like I should have been. And I guess I was somewhere, deep down, freaking out that is, but I just couldn’t show it. I was in shock or denial or something, ‘cause my brain wasn’t listening to her, and my body was having all sorts of weird shit happening to it. Like shaking and my breath was all short and patchy, and my heart was pounding. All that though could have been down to B being in my room, because fuck man. When she was close it was like I couldn’t breathe, but in a good way. You remember that feeling don’t you? With Tara, I mean.”

Willow could only nod, remembering all too well how it felt to be in the same room as her lost love.

“Well, I didn’t know what I was supposed to be feeling at that point. It was all so fucking confusing and she was ranting and babbling and I just needed her to not be so close and I needed her to stop yelling at me and…and it seemed the only way to get B calmed down was to do something as equally out there as kill a guy…so…so I kissed her. And she kissed me back.”

Faith’s voice went quiet again, an awed reverent inflection to her tone Willow had never heard from her before. Like kissing Buffy Summers was the best thing that had ever happened in her life and she still couldn’t quite believe it had happened in the first place.

“She kissed you back?” Willow didn’t know why she was asking that. Why there was a spark of something that felt horribly like jealously when Faith nodded her head and started to smile that stupid, sexy know-it-all smirk she always hated seeing in high school.

“Yes, she did. And I ain’t telling you what else she did that night so don’t even think about asking.”

Faith sounded more like her old self, even if her teasing words didn’t carry quite as much venom to them. She could finally see the end of the tunnel she’d driven herself into and like Willow had promised there was a glimmer of light there at the end.

“What about in the morning?” Willow enquired softly, tamping down on those ridiculous jealous feelings as she did so. 

“In the morning it wasn’t me doing the ‘get some, get gone’ act, put it like that. And it really felt like she left me no choice but to go all homicidal on her life, on her friends.” Faith offered an apologetic shrug of her shoulders with that, but Willow didn’t even acknowledge it. They were so beyond the ‘you tried to kill me’ part of their relationship now, whatever relationship it was they were forming in this crappy diner in the middle of nowhere was another question entirely.

“She had the power to stop me, you know? And I don’t mean with a knife. She could have saved all of us a lot of pain if she’d only…if she’d only just…fuck it…if she’d only…” Faith still choked on the words that sounded alien coming from her mouth. Words that carried so much remembered pain perhaps they would always be too much for her to say.  

“If she’d only loved you.” So Willow helped her out in saying them for her.  

A sharp pang of pity hit the Wicca so hard it was like being punched in the stomach. A sensation she actually knew felt less sickening than what she was experiencing right now. She thought of all the mess left in Faith’s wake, and how it might have been avoided if her best friend could have just found the courage to return the dark slayer’s love for her. Like she can find the courage to do almost everything else in her life. Even sacrifice herself. She could manage _that_ , but not try and love the beautiful woman sat opposite the redhead now. Tear stained cheeks not diminishing her strength. The pained look in eyes such a deep chocolate brown Willow thought she was going to drown in them not taking away any of the power she held as a slayer, as a woman.  

Willow sighed thinking that sometimes, most of the time, life didn’t make any sense at all.

“So there you have it Red.”

Faith offered. She was leaning back on her bench, slowly lighting another cigarette, looking tired but relieved. Unmistakeable red rings around her eyes that would be gone soon enough and no one would ever suspect that Faith, the badass slayer, could have cried over a broken heart.

“There I have what?” Willow asked, confused for a moment as she tried to drag her thoughts back from could haves and might have beens.

“My story, my confession. The little piece of me you wanted so you’d know I’m not the stone cold bitch you always thought I was.”

The slayer was acting a little testy. Opening up about Buffy and realising in a couple of hours she’d be face to face with her old…she wanted to call her lover, but that didn’t sound right. It was only one night after all, did that even qualify? So yes, Faith was definitely beginning to feel the beginnings of a bad mood coming on.

“You know that’s not the reason why I asked,” Willow, smartly ignoring the appearance of the old Faith which now they’d shared so much together just didn’t ring true to her anymore, responded with as equal bite to her voice, though softened her tone when her next thought occurred to her.

And I don’t understand something.” Her fair brows arched in a puzzled frown, Faith was sufficiently intrigued to respond.

“What don’t you understand Red?” Only slightly sarcastic with her tone, the slayer thought she’d explained things pretty well for her.

“Well I get that it was Buffy that made you go…grrr!” She made a growling noise in the back of her throat and scowled, trying to look menacing. “And I can understand how that could happen, after all she’s got this habit of doing that to the people she sleeps…er has relations with…” The Wicca corrected herself, ignoring the harsh stare she was receiving from the slayer for her efforts. “But I still don’t understand what made you change and want to come back to make amends. And I’m sorry to be Repeato Girl over it, but it’s just that there are so many of us seeking redemption now, it’s getting to be like a club motto. And everyone’s got their reasons, what with Angel’s curse and you know, him killing A LOT of people when he was Angelus making it hard to just go, no biggie, and then there’s Spike and his obsession with Buff…er butt…buttery popcorn…” (sheesh, that was close Willow thought) “…and there’s Andrew. Though I’m not convinced he is really seeking redemption and is actually hanging around ‘cause he has a crush on Xander. And then there’s little old me who guess what? Almost destroying the world kinda leaves you with a lot of making up to do. So that leaves you. Good slayer gone bad slayer then gone good slayer again.”

Willow finished with a shrug of her shoulders. Like all that was a totally obvious explanation and made sense, even though Faith was staring at her with a slightly incredulous look to her face, her cigarette smoked down to the filter whilst the Wicca went off on her crazy tangent.

Faith had forgotten that Willow could do babble as well as B could.

“Who the fuck is Andrew?”

Her rough voice asked, hoping that if she gave the Wicca enough time she’d figure the whole thing out for herself. She was beyond exhausted now with talking about her feelings, and really, all she wanted to do was punch something or someone really hard, preferably in the face. Because that was something she knew how to do and she knew it always made her feel better once she’d done it.

“Oh he’s like this über-geek that killed his best friend and tried to take over the world. But not in that order. Now he lives with us and makes pies.” Willow frowned, there was probably a better explanation for Andrew, but heck if she could think of it right then.

“Okay,” Faith drew the word out, thinking a lot had changed since she had left Sunnydale.

“Tell me again why I’m headed back to Insane Central?” She commented, more of a throw away remark than an actual question.

Willow shook her head in response.

“No Faith, you tell me.”

Faith, resigned to the fact that Willow always got what she asked for, nodded her head and readied herself once again to open up her heart. But afterwards she was definitely going to punch something.


	6. Chapter 6

One more deep breath, one more clench of her jaw, gritting teeth together and exhaling sharply through her nose. One more confession.

Fuck this is hard, Faith thought not for the first time that evening. If anyone else had kept prodding her like this, she knows she wouldn’t have even given them the time of day if they’d asked her for it. But with Willow doing the asking, Faith found herself unable to refuse an answer.

“I’m coming back with you,” she began, her voice a little shakier than she would have liked to hear coming out of her mouth. Willow sat up a little straighter when she heard it, the anticipation of finally understanding everything coursed through her veins until her heart beat double time and a strange fluttery sensation settled in her stomach. Knowledge is power, she’s always known that, and Faith confessing to her now meant she was giving over some of her power to the Wicca and Willow didn’t quite know what to do with that right then. Other than gaze into deep brown eyes and lie to herself as to why her heart was beating so fast.

“I’m trying to do that thing Angel’s always talking about, you know, atone. Is that the right word?” The Wicca nodded dumbly, surprised Faith had picked up the term, but on reflection, why should she be? Willow had begun to realise back in LA that the dark slayer really was much smarter than they ever gave her credit for. Knowing the word for what Faith was trying so very hard to do and struggling so much with herself to say really should come as no surprise at all.

“Yeh, well I’m atoning for the same goddamn reason I fucked it all up in the first place. This is for Buffy. It’s always been for her. Everything.” Faith said, looking a little shell shocked that she managed to say the slayer’s name without choking on tears again.

Willow blinked away her surprise at Faith’s confession, the fluttery sensation in her stomach twisting unpleasantly at the implications of what the dark haired woman had said, and what it actually meant for their return to Sunnydale.

Did Faith think she still had a shot with Buffy? Did she _want_ to have a shot with her again? The Wicca shook her head to dispel her questions, refusing to acknowledge why she cared so much about the answers to them.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Faith carried on, “I don’t think B is gonna welcome me with open arms and tell me she made a mistake turning her back on me the way she did.”

A frown marred Faith’s dark features as she spoke. Thoughts of the slayer’s rejection still painful since bringing them back to the surface so recently. It was instinctual for Willow to reach out and take Faith’s hands in her own again, offering her encouragement and empathy just as before. The brunette offered a small smile in return for the Wicca’s support and drew in another steadying breath. 

“But I want to see her, no matter how hard that might be for both of us, and tell her that I’m sorry for all the crap I pulled before and after the coma. And I want to explain to her, just in case she’s been feeling the _tiniest_ bit of guilt over me going insane slayer,” at this Faith actually managed to smirk at Willow, though it didn’t hold much mirth when she did. They both knew Buffy didn’t do guilt, at least not where the dark slayer was concerned.

“So just in case B has felt bad about that all these years, I want her to know that she’s also been the reason why I turned myself in to the cops. She’s the reason why I didn’t kill Angel when I could have. She’s the reason why I didn’t go back to the darkness that’s inside me. Why I’ll never go back to that.” Faith found herself smiling gently at the look of understanding dawn on the redhead’s features across from her. Willow’s green eyes sad and shiny with unshed tears, she gripped the hands in her own a little tighter at the sight.

“She’s Buffy Summers, man. And she changed my life. Sure it was a change for the worse at one time, but then I finally freakin’ realised that ultimately she has changed my life for the better.”

“How?” The one word came out angry, Willow’s voice bitter and tearful. Anger began to rise again at her best friend and the emotional mess she always leaves in her wake. Sat listening to the dark slayer talk, understanding for the first time that of course Faith had feelings, more than anyone has ever given her credit for. That there was a depth and sincerity and passion to those feelings took the Wicca’s breath away, thinking about how none of them had ever really known Faith back in the day and what a waste that had been. None of them except Buffy that is, Willow darkly realised. Her best friend had to have seen this side of Faith, or glimpsed it at least when whatever happened that night between them happened. And she chose to walk away from it rather than sit across from her like the redhead was doing now, and hold her hands and talk things through and just be with her.

Willow sighed, not knowing how anything that Faith said next could justify saying sorry to the blonde slayer. In the Wicca’s mind it wasn’t Faith that needed to be apologising.

“It’s kind of simple really.” Faith began, sensing that Willow was experiencing her own emotional storm inside and not really understanding why as she watched the green eyes grow glassy before her. “I finally realised it’s okay to love her and not have her love me back. That’s enough for me to feel like I have a place in this crappy world. Enough for me to repent and atone and do those other things Angel has patented. I love Buffy Summers, so what? We all love Buffy. That’s what’s so special about her. That’s what gives her the power to change our lives. Because when you love someone, it does change your life. That’s the deal, for better or worse. And I dealt badly with loving her in the beginning. I mean fuck, you were there, you remember how bad things got. How badly I messed up.”

Willow wanted to protest, wanted to say that it hadn’t been Faith’s fault, that Buffy had been the one to mess up, but she stopped herself. Realising how hypocritical it would sound to Faith now because wasn’t it Willow who had never believed in the dark slayer back in the day? Wasn’t it Willow who placed her best friend on a pedestal the blonde has only in recent years shown she can fall from? Telling Faith it hadn’t been her fault now would only cause more pain and anguish, or so the Wicca thought. So she squeezed Faith’s hands even tighter, and tried to keep her tears under control.

 “And I want to show her that now,” Faith continued, looking intently at the woman across from her, needing Willow to believe what she was going to say next. “Now I am dealing better.  Now I can handle it. It doesn’t matter that she can’t love me back. Loving her is enough.”   

Thank fuck for that, Faith thought, sighing deeply now her confession was finally over.  She felt drained but lighter somehow. Like the invisible weight of all those emotions had kept her as weighed down as the chains they put her in in jail. Even the urge to punch someone had dissipated she realised somewhat relieved, because the only person near her right now was someone she had absolutely no intention of ever hurting.

Faith focused once more on the woman before her, noticing for the first time how the redhead had let a few tears brim over from her eyes. Slowly they drew a crystal path down her pale skin. Faith let go of one of Willow’s hands and cupped the cheek where the trail of tears left its wake, wiping another one gently away as it fell from sad green eyes.

“Why are you crying?” Her voice sounded alien to her, she never knew she could be so gentle.

Willow swallowed hard, fighting the urge to cry harder. Faith’s hand felt warm against her skin, her touch tender. Something she never thought she’d feel from the dark slayer. Hearing her speak of loving Buffy, knowing exactly what she meant because Faith was right, they all loved Buffy in their own way. Why else would they follow her so blindly? Why else would Willow risk everything that mattered to her in order to bring Buffy back from the dead? It seems as though loving Buffy Summers was enough for all of them to have a place in this crappy, shitty world. Didn’t mean that loving her hadn’t come at a price though, Willow frowned through her tears, remembering all the loss, all the pain of the past few years.

“It’s not fair, any of it.” The redhead whispered angrily.

Faith smiled a sad smile at the Wicca. She didn’t really know what Willow meant, she didn’t think the redhead knew either. It was one of those empty complaints you make every once in awhile. Empty because there was not enough magic in the world that could change that hopeless cry of ‘it’s not fair’. No, life isn’t fair, but it’s real and it’s here, and it is what you make it. That was Faith’s philosophy anyhow.

“So what are you going to do about it?” The brunette gently asked. Both hands were back to holding the redhead’s, a callused thumb rubbing over the tops of pallid knuckles having a very distracting effect on the Wicca. The warmth emanating from their joined hands rushed through the dark slayer like wild fire. She remembered this feeling from before, it didn’t entirely surprise her to feel it again now with the redhead.  

Willow looked into deep brown eyes as she answered, her heart notched up a gear when she did, the twisting sensation in her stomach replaced with something more pleasant but no less real. Butterflies sprang to mind, thinking of times when she had felt like this in the past, when a shy pretty blonde woman was sat opposite her making her smile.

“There isn’t anything you can do about it.” The answer wasn’t the optimistic hopeful one the Willow of old would have given, and it perhaps surprised both women that Faith disagreed with her.  

“Sure there is,” Faith responded, leaning out of her seat a little and edging closer to the redhead across the table.

“There is?” Willow allowed herself to be gently pulled forward by callused hands, her focus on her surroundings blurring the nearer she got to the brunette doing the pulling.   

“Yep.” Faith whispered.

The two women were very close now. Staring intently at each other, eyes that drifted down to moist lips, then back up quickly to the safe arena of eyes. Eyes that flashed something dangerous and exotic in both the dark and the light pair.

“Life is what you make it, Red. The past few years have taught me that. Taught me something else too. 

Distracted by the musky scent that was the dark slayer, Willow replied. “What would that be?”

Faith waited a beat before responding.

“Life’s about taking risks. Like in a few seconds I’m going to kiss you.”

 "You are?” Willow didn’t pull away at the notion the dark slayer dimly noted.

 “A-huh. And there’s risk involved because I don’t know what you will do in return.”

 Faith leaned closer still.

 “I think,” Willow’s breath quickened, her racing heart trying to keep up.  “That there is a very high probability I’ll kiss you back.”

 “See I wouldn’t know that though, but I’m willing to take the risk of kissing you and seeing what happens, ‘cause that’s what life is all about. It’s taking risks, and being in the here and now. Life is what you make it.”

Faith paused, holding herself inches away from the redhead’s very enticing, very red lips. Was she really going to do this?

“Faith?” Willow’s voice was barely above a whisper. “Kiss me already.”

The dark slayer didn’t need telling twice.

Oh my. I’m actually going to do this. I actually _want_ to do this. I want Faith to kiss me. I want to kiss Faith. This is not how I thought today would go. This is crazy. This is so bad. So why does it feel like it’s going to be so good?

The redhead’s thoughts stopped mid-flow when she closed her eyes, waiting for the brunette’s lips to touch her own. Willow decided thinking distracted her too much and she didn’t want any distractions when Faith finally lent in and kissed her.

“Oh no you don’t!”

What the fuck was that?

What the hell?

The thoughts from both women echoed each other as they were forced apart by the din the overweight waitress was making. Slamming her coffee pot down on the table, scowling at them both. Her expression was a mixture of disgust and self-righteousness. She knew there was something _wrong_ with those two girls.

“I don’t care what you people get up to at home, but we’re having none of that here. Get out!”

“What?!” Exclaimed the Wicca, finding it hard to comprehend such out-right bigotry, which century were they living in for god’s sake?

“You’re kicking us out for drinking coffee?” Willow decided to be facetious in return for the waitress’ attitude.

The brunette opposite her smirked, her anger slower to rise as she valiantly tried to hide the flush that had crept over her skin from being so close to the lips now pouting in annoyance before her. If only that bitch hadn’t come and interrupted them. Faith closed her eyes against the onslaught of images such a wish could have caused if it had been granted, finding that burn of fury as she realised she might never get another chance to find out how Willow’s lips feel pressed against her own.  

“Don’t you be smart with me young lady. I saw what you were doing.” The waitress started to flush a bright shade of pink, realising she was attracting the attention of customers close by who looked on with curiosity in their eyes.  

“And what was that exactly?” Willow enquired.

“Look, I’m not after any trouble.” The waitress’ voice dropped to a low threatening tone, the hairs on the back of the slayer’s neck pricked up on hearing it. If this bitch didn’t want trouble, Faith thought, she was sure going about it the wrong way.

The older woman leaned down towards them on the table, the look of revulsion unmistakable on her face as she focused her gaze on the redhead.

“Why don’t you and your little girlfriend take this back to the sewer? Where dykes like you belong.”

The waitress straightened up, pleased that she could see hurt in the green eyes before her. This was her diner and her rules after all, and no one was going to tell her she had to accept such deviant behaviour, not when it went against everything she believed in. With her focus so much on the green eyes at the table shining with tears she gladly noted, she missed the enraged look that passed through dark eyes looking up at her, the brunette’s anger fully formed now.

She hurt Willow’s feelings and that was just something Faith would not tolerate.

“Hey, listen you fat bitch.” The dark slayer stood, drawing herself up to her full intimidating slayer stance, Willow was a step behind her, not quite as intimidating but knew she had to stand by Faith, even as she frantically thought of how to get the brunette to calm down and not do something that would get her thrown back in jail.

“What did you call me?” The waitress took a cautious step back, incredulity laced through her voice to be insulted so blatantly.

“You heard me. Or does your homophobic fat ass have a hearing problem as well as a bad attitude?”

“Er, Faith?” Willow tried to interject, the situation was in danger of spiralling out of that control both she and the slayer had been boasting they could handle now.

“You can’t speak to me like that,” protested the waitress, flushed and shocked at the menacing tone of the young dark haired woman.

“Gee, I think I can.” The slayer balled her right hand up in to a fist, driving it in her left palm as a way to keep her rising anger under check. “Now, you owe my friend here an apology.”

“I do not.”  The indecency of the proposal clear in her voice.

“Oh I think you do.” Faith stepped closer to the older woman, forcing her to take another step back and really where were all the beefy truck drivers when you needed them she thought.

“Faith?” Willow tried again.

“Not now Red.” The brunette almost barked back, and then lowered her tone to a menacing whisper as she looked up at the now very scared, and very still waitress.

“You’re gonna learn some respect. Apologise.”

The waitress said nothing, not even a little whimper when Faith got up in her face and snarled in her most menacing tone.

“Apologise bitch.”

Still nothing.

“Actually Faith,” Willow’s voice was high pitched, her tone quick and nervous. “I think she’s learnt enough for one day. See she’s sorry.” Willow nodded to the still silent, still not moving waitress who didn’t look sorry. Who in fact looked kind of frozen if Faith had to call it anything.  

"We’re leaving now,” declared the redhead.

“We are?” Faith was more than a little perplexed by all this, watching as Willow rather hurriedly slammed some change down on the table, avoiding touching the overweight woman as she gathered up her purse and passed Faith her cigarettes. Leaving the table and the waitress behind in her wake.

“Yes we are.”

“But this bitch deserves a lesson.” Faith protested, following the Wicca reluctantly.

“And she’s getting one,” Willow muttered under her breath, trying to act natural as the pair of them drew curious stares from the other diners as they made their way to the entrance.

Willow held the exit door open for Faith who passed through it throwing the redhead a curious expression as she brushed close by her, doing the best to ignore the sensation in her body where it accidently touched part of Willow’s, still none the wiser as to what had just happened.

Before letting the door close behind her, the redhead whispered something in Latin and the waitress was released from the inertia spell Willow had cast. She watched her look around, searching for the two of them unable to understand how they had just disappeared into thin air.

“Hey!” Willow yelled to her from the open doorway, drawing the waitress’ attention from the back of the diner.

“Your coffee tastes like shit!”

On reflection she wished she could have come up with something not so, well Faith-like, to shout at the ignorant woman, but it served its purpose. The waitress was fuming, no one insults her coffee and gets away with it. She started to make her way passed the tables to where Willow stood in the doorway, the Wicca was surprised not to see steam coming from the woman’s ears as she got closer.

“Go!” Willow yelled, passing Faith on the way down the steps of the entrance, breaking out into a run when she hit the ground.

She beat Faith to the car, all but throwing herself into the driver’s seat and sliding the key into the ignition with shaking hands.  As soon as Faith slammed her door shut Willow hit the gas pedal, speeding past the diner entrance to see the waitress yelling at them from the doorway. The dark slayer wound down her window, stuck out her arm and gave the homophobic woman the finger.

“Sucker!” She yelled at her, though Faith doubted she’d been heard, as the Wicca was spinning them out on to a thankfully empty highway.

When they were driving at a less suspicious speed a few miles down the road, the two women risked a glance at each other. Both of them finding it hard to contain the laughter that wanted to break out at getting revenge on the ignorance of small town America. It just took a stray smirk from Willow and they were gone.  Laughing so much the Wicca had to pull over in case she caused an accident, though the road was still deserted.

Eventually the laughter subsided as laughter is wont to do and they each took in deep breaths to calm themselves. It felt good to find release like that. After the events of the evening, the seriousness of what they’d both admitted to each other, laughter seemed the only way to go. The alternative was too scary to think about then and there.

In the dim light of the car interior Faith turned to Willow and offered a small smile.

“Nice move back there.” She said, feeling self-conscious in Willow’s presence. She couldn’t remember feeling like that before around the Wicca. Must have been that kiss they’d almost shared, leaving its mark on the dark slayer despite Willow’s lips never touching her own.

“Thanks.” Willow smiled shyly, wondering who was going to bring their almost kissage in to the conversation. Hoping that it would be Faith. Hoping even more it would be in the way of finishing what she started back in the diner before they were so rudely interrupted.

Willow waited, looking at Faith with a longing in her eyes she thought must be obvious, but perhaps the lack of light prevented Faith from realising what it all meant because the dark slayer looked away, fidgeting with the cuffs on her denim jacket.

Trying to ignore the sudden empty feeling that awoke inside her as she watched Faith look anywhere but at her, Willow tried to force some levity into her voice.

“And thanks for getting all defendery back there.” She continued, putting the car in gear again and pulling back on to the road.

“Very much the butch,” the redhead nodded to reiterate her words hoping that Faith would know she wasn’t actually teasing her, and was trying to open up a conversation about how close they had come to kissing, and how that didn’t feel like such a bad thing at all.

Willow really should have known though that Faith wouldn’t take the bait. If it was something she didn’t want to acknowledge, the dark slayer has proven she can be wilfully ignorant when she wants to be.

“No problem Red,” Faith shrugged, trying to make herself comfortable in the passenger seat by placing a booted foot up on the dash in front of her. “Didn’t want her getting the wrong impression, you know?”

“What impression would that be?” That twisting unpleasant feeling was back in Willow’s stomach.

“Oh, you know. She thought me and you were…like…hooked up or something.” Gee, that was articulate Faith, she chastised herself. The pounding of her heart must have distracted her.

Right, so this is how we’re going to play it are we? Willow thought, adopting an equally incredulous tone with her reply.

“Yeh. Like that would ever happen.”

The Wicca cringed, not intending to her hurt Faith’s feelings, but damnit, she was taking the lead from the brunette and why did communicating have to be so hard between them again?

“Right,” Faith agreed, a sinking feeling inside joining the heart pounding and how had this happened when not twenty minutes ago she was inches away from tasting Willow’s lips for the first time?

“I mean, no offence or anything Red, but you’re not really my type.” Fair hair, pale skin, green eyes, no not my type at all. Who was she trying to kid?

“Offence not taken.” Willow swallowed thickly, the hope of earlier that Faith would try to kiss her again evaporating as quickly as vampire dust in a storm.

“I mean dark hair, dark eyes don’t really get my juices flowing you know?” Bad analogy Will, she told herself. Thinking of a young woman, smaller than the one next to her, but with equally dark exotic looks, and fuck, who was Willow trying to kid?

“So we’re good?” Faith eventually asked after a silence enveloped the car, threatening to swallow it whole if one of them didn’t break it.

Willow sighed knowing there wasn’t any other way for this to go. After all, she had Kennedy, whom she did genuinely care for, and Faith had, well she didn’t exactly have Buffy. But there were definite issues needing to be faced when the two slayers met again. There really was no other way for this to go.

“Five by five Faith.” Willow finally responded, making the brunette smile, her dark eyes growing softer with the gesture. When she caught a glimpse of Faith’s smile a wave of desire washed over the Wicca so forcefully she had to bite her lip to prevent herself from gasping out loud at the sensation. She refocused on the road ahead and just as soon as the feeling came it was quickly banished with thoughts of what awaited them both in Sunnydale hours from now.

There were no words left to say and they settled in to companionable silence inside the car. Not so tension filled and heavy as before but still wrought with the things neither woman were saying. Faith went to turn the radio on, but looked for approval from the redhead first. Willow didn’t mind the distraction this time and nodded her assent. The brunette found a different station to the one they’d been listening to before. Some cool guitar filtered through the car’s speakers, joined by a rough smoky feminine voice.

_‘Don’t miss the diamonds along the way_

_Every road has led us here today_

_Life is what happens while you’re making plans_

_All that you need is right here in your hands’_

The dark slayer looked down at her own empty hands resting in her lap. She smiled when a pale hand slid across the short distance and took one of them in her own. Entwining their fingers together and squeezing gently as the song faded down.

_‘All that you need is right here in your hands’_

Maybe, Faith thought. Closing her tired eyes, leaning her head back against the window, the comfort of Willow’s hand in her own sending her off to a peaceful slumber.

Just maybe that was true.

 

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was a long time coming, I hope it was worth it?! I really enjoyed exploring the Faith and Willow dynamic, big thanks for all the kudos and positive feedback, it means a lot to me to receive it. I'm toying with a sequel to this, in fact I've started plotting and writing it already, but I'm about to get insanely busy at work so don't want to overpromise, as it could be long gaps between updates (like this one!) For now though, you all take care of yourselves. Mx


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